“Shleigh Shleigh Shleigh. Praise the Lord! Thank you Jesus! We praise your name! Shleigh Shleigh Shleigh Shleigh Shleigh!”
Davion got it first. Before the rest of Paul’s 2nd grade class in the church’s elementary school. Davion, the biggest and oldest of the 20 kids on the floor in a circle in the back of their classroom, was on his knees Shleigh Shleighing with his eyes closed and his hands raised up toward God.
They had just started prayer time toward the end of their usual thirty minute chapel after lunch, and they were supposed to start science at their desks in 5 minutes, and Paul knew the names of all the planets in the Solar System, but now there was no telling what would happen.
After a few moments of surprised silence, the other kids scooted across the cheap tan carpet to surround Davion, to touch him, to try to channel God’s power from Davion because he was speaking in tongues, evidence of being filled with the Holy Spirit of God, which, until today, only happened to adults in church. They put their hands on Davion like their parents did in church, because it transferred spiritual power like a hot body transfers warmth to a cold one.
All the 4000 or so adults in the church were already filled with the Holy Spirit, so when they all prayed in their other tongues at the same time during a church service, Paul’s body and even the whole building seemed to vibrate with the swelling chorus of prayers. When Paul closed his eyes and listened to them, sometimes while lying on thin carpet trying to sleep under the pew that dad, mom, and Cynthia were sitting on during an evening service, their thousands of voices swelled and settled like surf on the beach, a strange lullaby that often carried him to stranger dreams down in his forest of ankles and shins.
Brad, Davion’s best friend, absorbed the spirit transfer from Davion. In fact, Paul noted to himself, Brad was Shleigh Shleighing even before he touched Davion. Paul glanced at Miss Mallinson to see if she noticed that Brad cheated, but she didn’t. And now that Brad was Shleigh Shleighing too, Davion got louder to drown Brad out, and Brad responded in kind, so within seconds, they were both screaming the same word over and over.
“And also I know they’re faking because they are using a Christmas word,” Paul thought, making sure his face didn’t show his growing disgust.
He didn’t move over toward Davion and Brad with the rest of the kids. Their church didn’t celebrate Christmas, mostly because Satan and the Cathlicks copied idols from topless pagans in hot jungles with snakes and then tricked everyone into thinking the satanic idols were part of the Jesus story, the Greatest Story Ever Told. And Santa and the tree and Santa’s sleigh were all part of Satan’s plan. So they were faking for sure, and maybe Satan was tricking them. He looked at Miss Mallinson again to see if she was catching on, but she was encouraging this.
In the few moments it took Paul to see the Christmas twist to this fake visitation of the Holy Spirit of God, the rest of the class had finished surrounding and touching Davion and Brad and, one by one, jumped right into screaming “Shleigh shleigh” along with them. Paul sat cross legged on the carpet, alone below the small coats hanging off a row of hooks on the wall by the door, the same place he always sat during chapel because it was right behind his desk.
Miss Mallinson looked over at Paul, a concerned look.
He lowered his eyes to avoid eye contact but he knew it was too late. They’d all be coming for him, including the teacher. They’d all surround him and lay their hands on him, their hands hot and sweaty now from excitement and screaming, and the ones who couldn’t reach him would put their hands on the back of a kid touching Paul, so they’d all be connected for maximum spirit transfer, and they’d scream Shleigh Shleigh until he screamed it too, and he’d be the last to be touched by God. Everyone would remember he was last and Davion was first and Brad was second. And they’d listen to Davion and Brad more than him in chapel, when usually they listened to Paul the most, because he knew the most about the Bible and dad was one of the top leaders of the church. Dad would find out he was last to get it. Miss Mallinson would find dad at church on Wednesday night, would pull him aside with a concerned look, a look people used for retards or injured puppies, the look that suggested dad’s son’s soul was so dirty that it took her and the whole class laying on hands to clean it enough for the Holy Spirit to enter.
“Open up your hearts to Jesus!” Miss Mallinson shouted over the children, with a sideways glance at Paul. “If you have faith even as small as a mustard seed, he shall fill you like he has filled Davion. Purify your hearts! Repent for your sins and make yourself a pure vessel for the spirit to flow into. Alamokesheongilamalamalmokeshekodoelingaootupi. Yes! Thank you Jesus. Thank you Lord. The presence of the Lord is strong!”
Paul pushed his glasses up on his nose. They were still new and felt heavy on his face. Lots of kids had glasses though, and Paul’s glasses made him look as smart as he really was, mom said. He needed to come up with a plan and didn’t have much time. He could feel the other kids starting to look at him sitting there silently, untouched by God. He stared down through his glasses at his legs and saw that his tennis shoes were a little muddy and now he had mud on his jeans.
At recess, he’d been racing Davion and Brad, and Davion won two of three. A light spring sprinkle made the grass in the play field by the woods a little slippery so he hadn’t run his fastest and neither had Brad. At least that’s what Brad said after he was last in all the races, but really he was probably running his fastest. Paul’s undershirt didn’t feel damp from racing sweat any more, so his short sleeved button up shirt would be dry when they all surrounded him and put their heavy hands on him.
From the corner of his eye, Paul saw Davion twist away from the center of the circle of arms and hands and start crawling across the floor to him, now practically howling his Shleigh Shleighs as he came at Paul. Paul glanced up and for just an instant caught Davion’s eyes, his hyena eyes, and he recognized the look. It was the same look Davion had when he’d just won a race, and now Paul knew what he had to do.
Davion stopped crawling just in front of where Paul sat cross legged. He kneeled in front of him, as tall as he could kneel, and put both hands heavily down on top of Paul’s head. His hands felts hot and damp. He screamed his one-word language at the top of Paul’s head as if enough volume would split Paul’s head open and let God in.
Miss Mallinson walked over to stand behind Davion in her flat shoes and long flowery skirt. She raised both arms over her head and tilted her face up to the ceiling. Her wavy piles of long brown hair swayed with her as she rocked back and forth with her eyes squeezed shut, and tears began to slide down her smooth young cheeks as she moaned in her other tongues.
“Can you feel it, children? Can you feel the presence of God?” she sobbed, “Alamokesheongilamalamalmokeshekodoelingaootupi HALlelujah! HalleLUjah! Glory be to God on high! Oh yes Jesus. Speak, Lord, for thy servant heareth.”
If her eyes hadn’t been closed, she would have seen the other kids swarming Paul, all crawling and Shleigh shleighing as they came. When Jason crawled close to Miss Mallinson, he pretended to fall on his face so he could roll over and look up her skirt from behind her, still shleigh shleighing as he looked.
“Come gather around Paul and put your hands on him, children,” she said, now looking down at the kids putting their hands on Paul or, if they couldn’t reach Paul, on whoever was closest who already had hands on Paul. “Yes! Thank you Jesus. JEEsus! JEEsus! The presence of the Lord is strong!”
None of the kids put their hands on her legs, and because she was still standing behind Davion, she was in the way, so she stepped around the kids and squeezed in behind Paul with the wall of coat hooks at her back. She turned slightly sideways so she could bend down to put her hands on either side of Paul’s neck, which, because of all the hands already on Paul, was only open real estate around Paul’s head.
He had to act fast. If he didn’t show evidence that everyone’s prayers for him were working, all those sweaty prayers, one of the kids in the increasingly hysterical prayer mob would likely accuse him of being demon possessed and then they’d all really go for him. And dad would hear about that too.
The last and only time these kids tried to get a demon out of him was a while back and some of these kids weren’t there. Miss Mallinson had everyone sitting in the back of the classroom for daily chapel and told them to share testimony of how God was active in their lives. Christine raised her hand first, as usual.
“Om, this morning, om…,” she started.
“Yes Christine, what did God do for you this morning?” Miss Mallinson prompted with her Christ-sweetened voice.
“Well, om…om, HE told me to bring my coat to school cuz it was gonna rain today even though it was supposed to be sunny on the radio.”
Christine was the only one who didn’t get wet at recess when a surprise shower fell from the gray spring sky. Paul raised his hand and Miss Mallinson gave him the nod.
“Why would God only tell you and let us all get wet?” Paul asked thoughtfully. “Plus, I think God is probably too busy fighting the devil to tell us when to put on our coats, so are you sure you didn’t just think of that yourself?”
Christine stared at Paul for a few beats while everyone looked at her, then she slowly raised her right arm, pointing her finger in Paul’s direction, her eyes getting bigger and then rolling back into her head as she closed them.
“I REBUKE THAT DEMON OF DOUBTING!” she screamed, still pointing at Paul as if she were a Little Red Riding Hood who just saw Paul the wolf.
The kids on either side of Paul scooted away from him. First Davion, then Brad, crawled across the circle toward Paul mumbling “I rebuke you, Satan. I rebuke you” as they came. Miss Mallinson closed her eyes and started speaking in tongues, raising her hands and rocking her upper body from her kneeling position.
Soon the whole class was around Paul like they were now, all hot, sweaty and screaming. Paul had just wanted to stand up and walk away, but knew they would figure the demon was trying to take Paul away from God’s cleansing power, so they’d tackle him and hold him down, just like their parents did in the front of the church when a demon-possessed adult tried to get away.
“I don’t have a demon of doubting!” Paul hollered over their exorcising frenzy. “I was just asking a question!”
The class went silent for a moment.
“I rebuke that demon of lying!” someone screamed, and the whole class went at it again.
Paul sat there for a minute, considering options, and then he almost laughed when an idea occurred to him, but stifled the laugh so the class wouldn’t rebuke a demon of laughing.
“I rebuke all of your demons of telling me I have demons,” Paul yelled. That stopped them.
Everyone froze. Silent. Even Miss Mallinson just lowered her hands and stared at Paul.
Paul followed up. “I rebuke you! Praise God!” And then he stood up and walked to his desk.
“Time for science, children,” Miss Mallinson had finally said, and all the kids slowly stood up and wandered to their desks to open their science books with Paul.
And now, with all the kids around him again, this time trying to get him Shleighing, Paul went for it. He slowly extended his arms, palms up, and began to straighten his back up against the weight of all those hands. He started to hum, and when the kids felt the vibration of voice in him, the ones touching him instantly stopped screaming, and when they stopped, everyone else stopped except Miss Mallinson, who was now crying so hard between bursts of half whispered tongues that Paul felt her teardrops splashing against exposed skin at the base of his neck like warm sweat. The kids touching him starting shleighing again, quietly, leaning in to listen to Paul.
“Yes Lord Yes Lord Yes Lord Yes Lord,” Paul started repeating softly in time with the hushed Shleigh Shleighs.
His “Yes Lords” got a little louder and faster as he raised his arms a little more and he started to tilt his head up under Davion’s hands. Davion and the rest of the class increased tempo and volume with him, and now so did Miss Mallinson, as she dropped to her knees behind him, her perfume strong in his nose, and he took them all with him, faster, louder, faster, louder, his arms now fully extended and face raised to heaven.
Davion had to drop his hands from Paul’s tilting head, but couldn’t find room for them on Paul’s body, so he looked around and then raised his hands straight up like Paul’s. And then Paul whipped it out, just like he’d practiced, just like he’d heard all those adults doing for years on their knees together in dad’s living room.
“Oooshoeloweepkamaladoeimasheemaladoowamakalaonamasheeoooshoeloweepkamalaoomoomonteeshoelowlowlowlowlow. HalleLUjah! Amen!” And that last bit before the hallelujah was part yodel and part Arab in a white turban racing down a sand dune with an ululating jihad howl.
Davion sat down hard, staring silently at Paul. Miss Mallinson fell over backwards beneath the coats, slain in the Spirit. Christine started clapping, then stopped when no one else clapped.
Paul turned his head to look down at Miss Mallinson. He’d never seen so much of her bare legs. She lay on the carpet beneath the coats, twitching and sobbing and occasionally flinging her arms up and then letting them flop back down to the ground. Slayings happened sometimes to adults at church, but most of the kids hadn’t been next to someone that God slew. Paul was relieved when Davion shrugged and took a few shuffles over to lay his hands on the skin of teacher’s right thigh. Everyone else also dropped their hands from Paul and scooted over to start Shleigh Shleighing over teacher.
Paul leaned backward over Miss Mallinson’s ankles to rest his back and head against the wall beneath the coats and he stretched out his legs on the rug as he looked over at all the kids and smiled.
Christine caught his eye and smiled back. She pushed up from her knees and shuttled over to him on her hands and toes, dragging the ends of the bow on her flowery yellow dress on the rug. She plopped down next to him, her right leg touching his left leg, and together they watched everyone else.
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